Our next president

My fellow Americans; my fellow Republicans.

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you today I am no longer running for our party’s presidential nomination. No — please, my friends; my mind is made up. It is better for all of us if we unite behind the one candidate who can lead us all into the future we want and deserve.

I therefore ask all of you who have supported me throughout, and those of you who have donated time and money to my campaign, to work tirelessly for the next president of the United States: Toonces the Driving Cat.

You all know the work Toonces did on “Saturday Night Live.” More recently, as shadow governor of the states of Wisconsin, Ohio and Florida, Toonces has demonstrated the iron will and single-minded focus we need today. By crippling unions, putting thousands of public employees out of work, cutting benefits, making sure only true, accredited Americans can vote, and lifting the dead hand of government off the wealth creators of our nation, Toonces points to the future!

We know what Toonces has done behind the wheel of these states — my friends, let’s put Toonces behind the wheel of the United States of America for the final drive to liberty!

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